Wednesday, August 18, 2010

How could He love a sinner like me???

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS A TOPIC THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN The Lord has laid this on my heart to share with you, and I pray that there will be those that read this and will find encouragement in the fact that we serve a God who  forgives when we truly repent of our sins.

I remember it like it was yesterday...
I remember the struggle with infertility...
I remember  ... the guilt...and the shame and how much my heart ached
I wanted the chance to be a Mom so bad, that my heart ached... a real physical ache ...with every pregnant soon to be Mom I'd pass in the grocery store, or on the street, or at church...they seemed to be everywhere I was...and I wondered...maybe one day God would answer my prayers and I would miraculously become pregnant.
 I even dreamed of speaking at a womens event at church and sharing with them the miracle of answered prayer.
I so clearly remember standing in front of a mirror time and time again, with a pillow under my sweater wondering what I would look like.
Night after night for many years I would lie in bed thinking of names...wondering if it might be a boy...or maybe a girl.
But it wasn't meant to be.
At least not the way I imagined it would be.
You see, I was about to learn the biggest lesson in my life...that God's ways are not always our ways but His ways are always perfect.

I didn't deserve to be a Mom.  I would tell myself this over and over again.
Who was I to dream... and wonder if God was listening...
You see when I was only 16 I did the unthinkable
I had always wanted to be a Mom from the time I was a little girl...I loved playing house and I always got to be the Mom.  In fact I would dress my dolls up in the baby clothes that I once wore when I was a baby.  I even layed a childs cradle beside my bed at night with my baby doll all wrapped up like she was real.  and I would tend to her cries no matter what the time at night (ok so I imagined my doll would cry)
That's how badly I wanted to be a Mom.
Everyone else I knew had dreams to be teachers, or doctors or lawyers or ballerina's name it.  I only ever had dreams to be a Mom.
I remember my Dad...  Oh how I  LOVED my Dad. 
He was the best Dad in the whole wide world. I was going to make him so proud of me one day.  I loved that I had brown eyes...just like my Dad. 
You see, my Dad LOVED much that he drove the Sunday school bus to pick up all the neighborhood children to bring them to church,every Sunday... because my Dad loved the Lord with all his heart and he knew all these children needed Jesus.  And I got to be his helper on the bus.
And then the unthinkable happened.
I remember it like it was yesterday...
the phone rang at 7pm that night, and I answered the phone.  It was the doctor, and he wanted to speak to my Dad.   My dad was in bed already because he had to be up for work at 4am.  But I woke my dad up anyway because the doctor said it was important that he talk with him.
I remember my Dad getting up and asking my Mom to pack him a few things.  You see the doctor told him he needed to come into the hospital right away because the test results weren't very good and they needed to run more tests.
My Dad left us that very night with my Mom by his side. 
He had been diagnosed with 'Aplastic Anemia'  something that was pretty much unheard of back then.  It had similar  symptoms of leukemia.
It was almost 6 months to the day, that the Lord called him home, after putting up a valiant fight to wasn't meant to be.
I loved my Dad so much. My heart was broken and I will miss him on this side of Heaven. 
I had to grow up quickly during this time, after all I was the oldest, and while my Mom spent a large majority of the time at the hospital with my Dad, I had school work, a brother and a sister to care for and drive around.
I was young and insecure...and like I said earlier...the unthinkable happened...
I wasn't feeling well one day while I was in typing class, I thought it was the flu...I even ran to the ladies bathroom to throw up...but it carried on...I went to the doctors with my friend and it only took a moment and a urine sample later to reveal the unthinkable...
I was pregnant.
How could I have let this happen????
My Dad and Mom couldn't find this out because my Mom you see was overwhelmed with the knowledge that my Dad was dying, and it was only a matter of time...
I was overwhelmed with the very real possibility that my Dad would never come home...
My friend told me I had no doctor told me it was probably best considering....
there was only one option...
I should go for an abortion
I didn't want the last thing my Dad remembered about me to be the fact that his 16 year old daughter was pregnant.  He had so many burdens already, knowing he was leaving my Mom to raise us 3 children on her own. 
I remember vividly how quickly it all took place.  My friend (or so I thought at the time) took care of all the arrangements. 
I was numb , it was all over so quickly, and NOBODY except my friend (or so I thought at the time) even knew what had happened. 
My Dad passed away 2 months later.  He never knew.
This secret of mine was the most horrible agonizing, haunting, thing I would live with forever! 
How could I, when all I ever wanted was to be a Mom?????
I remember like it was I cried and wailed the most painful wail I ever heard anyone cry.
How painfully lonely were my thoughts of what I did, I couldn't let anyone know, because I couldn't imagine what others would think, I couldn't bear to go there.  The realization of what I did was unimaginable.  I wanted to block it out like it never happened, like it was all a horrible nightmare.  I would wake up crying for months and years to come, Knowing everyone thought I was only mourning the death of my Dad... noone knew.
With each passing year it only became more painful, that kind of pain never goes away. every anniversary of that day was more than I could bear.  Every Mothers Day was only another painful reminder of what could have been, but what was not. 

It is only by the grace of God, that I was able to overcome this.  It is only by the grace of God that I am here in this moment typing these very words, for never did I think that I would have the courage to let anyone ever know.  (I can't believe I just did this)

I did it...I am sharing this with all of you most of whom are hearing this for the first time.  I'm not sure how anyone is going to react upon reading this, but this I do know...
Ephesians 1:7-8 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us.
I'm sidetracked at the moment cause I want to share with all of you the lyrics of a song that has spoken to me through the years:
He Paid A Debt He Did Not Owe

He paid a debt He did not owe;
I owed a debt I could not pay
I needed someone to wash my sins away
And now I sing a brand new song
"amazing grace"
Christ Jesus paid a debt that I could never pay

He paid that debt at Calvary
He cleansed my sould and set me free
I'm glad that Jesus did all my sins erase
I now can sing a brand new song
"amazing grace"
Christ Jesus paid a debt that I could never pay

One day He's coming back for me
To live with Him eternally
Won't it be glory to see Him on that day!
I, then will sing a brand new song
"amazing grace"
Christ Jesus paid a debt that I could never pay
Yes, Jesus paid a debt that I could never pay
by Ellis J. Crum

Allow me jump ahead a few years...
I married the love of my life on February 13, 1993
I would walk to work everyday praying that the Lord would grant us a miracle, after all, all I wanted to be was a Mom.  And  I prayed everyday on my way to work, that if He would allow me to have just one child, that I would spend the rest of my life raising this child to know Him, to love Him and to serve Him.

I was managing a Subway store, when one day I hired a girl, a beautiful girl with red hair, to work for me.  I was captivated by her as I got to know her.  There was something about her...that I was drawn to, and though I couldn't pin point it then, I was soon to learn that she was pregnant.
When she shared with me of her horrible childhood my heart broke for her, and it was then that Scott and I took her in under our wings.  We wanted to care for her as she prepared to bring this miracle of life into this world.  It wasn't long that she came to me one day and asked me if I would be her coach when she gave birth.  I thought I was in heaven.  
And then it happened...she went into labour (for about the 20th time!) 
I remember like it was yesterday...
I raced her to the hospital in my Jeep (not the best vehicle when ones in labour) and on August the 18th with me as her coach we welcomed the most beautiful baby boy in the whole wide world.  She even let me hold him when he was just seconds old (I have pictures!!) never would I have imagined in that moment that one day that precious little boy would one day be my Son!  Yes, Dustin Alexander Gram not only entered the life of my God given, most special friend that day  but just two weeks shy of his 2nd birthday, that most special friend asked Scott and I if we would like to adopt him.  She sacrificed  the one thing she truly loved, to give him a better chance in this world with 2 loving parents who dreamed this would never be.  We are eternally grateful to her, for prayers that were answered, in God's timing, His way not ours.
And so today we celebrate with the utmost Greatfulness, and Thankfulness in our hearts, as our Son Dustin turns 15.
To God be all the Glory for the great things that He has done!
We have been blessed beyond measure.
Happy Birthday Dustin
We love you with all our hearts, and we promised to raise you in the fear and admonition of the Lord and that's exactly what were doing.
You are growing up to be the most loving, kind hearted,  son and brother that anyone could ask for.
We love you forever and always.
You may not have grown in my womb, but you grew in our hearts!


Seasons of Life said...

Precious in the sight of Christ are His redeemed...

"There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" Romans 8:1(emphasis added)

May your post be an encouragement (and a deterant) to those that may not be in that "ideal" situation of bringing a child into this world...and may those who are not facing that, be more aware of ministering to those who are.

Because of Him,

messengerfamily said...

Wonderful Grace of Jesus, Deeper than all my sins...How can we begin to describe HIM? Cheryl sin leaves scars, even though we know that GOD forgives and forgets...we do not. That would be called amnesia, hallaluja for our memories even if they bring pain they also remind us of where GOD has brought us, carried us at is a picture of HIS mercy. When I was pregnant with #2 I was going to abort the baby ...but I did not. Her name is Heaven...but in my heart I rejected her, resented GOD for another unplanned pregnancy yet somehow HE got through to me. Cheryl thank you so much for sharing, I hope that more women will step foward and let GOD use their "rotten bannanas" to make "sweet bannana bread". Your testimony is powerful...keep sharing it!!!